It has been a month since I shared my thoughts with my little corner of the internet. I have no significant reason for having fallen off the face of the blog, other than I found other things to fill my time. I’ve been working, reading, vacationing, celebrating holidays, making expensive purchases, and spending time with my family. None of these things scream the acts of a self-consumed, self-absorbed person, yet I have this feeling that I have spent the better part of a month only thinking about myself.
This feeling came to a point this morning when I was so excited to see that my favorite blogger had posted after an extended absence. Her post was not what I had been hoping for. Rather than a page of apologies for being MIA it was her sign off, that she could no longer continue to share her life with the world because her mother a succumbed to an illness none of her readers knew about. I immediately felt heartbroken for both her and myself. While I do not know this writer, I have read her words nearly daily for the better part of 3 years. I have shared in her ups and downs through her words, watched her fall in love, and take great leaps of faith. I have even previously written about her in this space as a role model for myself. I know the feeling of losing a parent too soon, and I share in that agony. But my selfishness boiled over when I realized that I felt pangs of sadness because I would no longer get to be a fly on the wall of her life. I’m not sure what that says about me, but it was a very real feeling.
Oddly enough, selfishness is something that I have actively tried to work against throughout my life. I have always personally felt that selfishness was one of the absolute worst traits a person could possess. I am struggling with this overwhelming sense that I have become a person I would not be friends with.